Bridget and Nick
by Karen Goldrick
“So I suppose you’re gonna use me now.”
“Use you what?”
“Use me on stage ... your latest joke.”
“Why the hell would I do that? Anyway, I’ve got better things to do.”
“Like hell! I can see it now. My ex girl friend. The fat bitch.”
“Fat bitch from hell.”
“A funny story — the way I butter my bread. How funny is that? A small anecdote about the way I peel skin off my toes. A bit of a joke about the way I pick my nose.”
“What about the way you wipe your arse?”
“God. Now I know why I’m leaving. I’m so bloody glad.”
“So’m I. And it’s me that’s leaving.”
“I’m kicking you out!”
“I can’t stand it hear a minute longer. Nag nag nag ...”
“That’s so cliched Nick. You can’t use that. No-one’s gonna laugh at a nagging girl-friend.”
“They’ll laugh about the toe picking though.”
“See ... I knew you’d use it. That’s just typical. You just go through life having relationships so you can use them as joke fodder.”
“I do not.”
“You do so. That’s how I met you. Comedy club. Winter 1999. You were talking about Jessica.”
“Oh yeah”
“She used to peel her sunburn. Great big strips. The bigger the better. Then shed organise them into a pile. Biggest underneath, and leave them for you to find in the soap-dish.”
“Yeah. She did. God-what’s Jess up to now?”
“Why don’t you look her up?”
“Yeah.”
“I mean, you’re single now. No relationship. No responsibilities.”
“Yep.”
“That’s so like you. Look after yourself. You made me get rid of all my friends.”
“What friends?”
“Nick and Kent and Edwin.”
“They weren’t your friends. You were just using them to make me jealous.”
“And it worked!”
“Not it didn’t.”
“That’s why you gave me the ultimatum. Get rid of them, or that’s it, you said. So I did. And now look what you’re doing. Your leaving. Going back to Jessica. Meantime, I’ve got no friends. Who’m I gonna go back to?”
“Why don’t you give Kent a call? He’d love to hear from you.”
Because you threw out his phone number - didn’t you. When you cleared out the garage. Didn’t bother to check if I wanted it.”
“It was just a bunch of old newspapers.”
“So? We could’ve gone out. Had a few dates. I could’ve had some fun, for once. Would’ve been nice. No strings attached.”
“Kent’s gay.”
“Yep.”
“No sex.”
“Exactly.”
“That’d be right. Frigid Brigid.”
“Fuck you.”
“Well you never want to, do you. You never want to fuck me. Always got better things to do. Always painting your nails or cleaning the frypan or doing your hair.”
“ Well ... your timing’s just really bad. You always want sex when I want to have a shower.”
“And you never want it.”
“I do.”
“When?”
“Well, usually at about 2 o’clock in the afternoon.”
“When you’re at work.”
“Yeah. But when I get home I’m too tired ... You’re gonna use that too, aren’t you?”
“Use what?”
“Frigid Brigid. ”( Laughs ... a bit) “You look great in that top. That new?”
“God not now Nick, we’re talking.”
“See ... see you did it again. That’s it. That’s the last time you reject me. I’m outta hear.”
“Fine!”
“See ya.”
“Well ... go on.”
“I’m going.”
“Good.”
“Right now.”
“Don’t forget your keys. And don’t wake me up when you get back all drunk and stupid.”
“I’m not coming back.”
“Good. Then I won’t have to clean up your vomit.”
“When did you last have to clean up my vomit?”
“That night. Remember. After the absinthe.”
“You vomited too.”
“Yeah. But I cleaned up my vomit. You never cleaned yours.”
“I would have. You just couldn’t wait.”
“I waited three days.”
“I was working double shifts.”
“It was on the fucking kitchen bench, for Christ’s sake.”
“Brige, that was nearly three years ago. Why do you have to keep bringing it up? Hey.....maybe I can use that. Bringing it up ...”
“That’s just like you.”
“And it’s just like you to keep bringing it up.” (Both laugh ... a bit) “Well ... go on then”
“I am. Can I have the keys?”
“But you’re not coming back.”
“I’ll move out properly tomorrow.”
“OK. So where are you off to now, then?”
“I’m hungry. I’m gonna grab a pizza.”
“OK ... Do ya wanna get a video ... while you’re out.”
“Sure ... ummm what do you feel like?”
“Something old. How about ’High Society’?”
“ Yeah! Grace Kelly. OK.”
“ And some wine. We’re out of wine.”
“OK. Got any money?”
“ Typical ... How much do you need?”
“About $30. I’ll get some chock.”
“OK. Well ... See ya.”
“ Yep. See ya soon.”