The Call

by Simon von Wolkenstein

Hello?

Hi John, how’s things?

Hey Mick, oh you know, a bit of this a bit of that? How are about you then?

Much the same, it never rains but it pours.

Well you know what they say, If I was any faster I’d be dangerous.

You are dangerous.

You know what I mean.

No I don’t. You are dangerous how could you be anymore dangerous.

Look don’t get me started it’s just an expression.

Just an expression. Is that what you say to your clients. Hold still while I give you an ‘expression.’

Very funny, dickhead. How’s Jill.

Pregnant.

Again! That’s the fourth time this year. How many’s that now?

Twenty-seven.

Fuck me dead that’s a lot.

What did you say.

I said that’s a lot.

Before that.

Nothing.

You said Fuck.

No I didn’t.

Yes you darn well did. You said the F-word. Is that what you say to your client’s just before you give them an ‘expression’. Hang on a sec while I F-word you dead.

You crazy bastard.

I may be crazy but at least I don’t use the F-word.

Have you heard about Tom?

Don’t go changing the subject now Mr oh-so high and mighty F-word poppin out your mouth like ...

Have you heard about Tom?

What about Tom?

Have you heard?

About Tom?

Yes of course about Tom you bastard — He’s gone ...Hello?

Yea I’m here. Where’s he gone now?

You know.

You mean gone away?

Yea Tom’s gone

Far away?

About as far as you can go.

Oh Effin’ hell that just the leaves the three of us ... Does Bob know?

Not yet. I’d thought I’d tell you first.

Okay. Now listen. We can’t tell Bob it’d kill him if he found out.

It’ll kill him if we don’t tell him. How long do you think we’ve got. Best guess then?

6 months. Maybe a year.

3 days. That’s it. That’s what it said in my letter.

Letter! What letter. You didn’t tell me about any effin’ letter.

I just told you then.

I don’t have a letter. Where’s my letter. It must be in the paper recycling. Hang on while I look.

Don’t waste your time. I got one letter for the three of us.

How they’d find us so quickly then.

Through Tom I guess ...

Do you think he might have mentioned ...

Look face facts. Obviously they had a leisurely talk with Tom before he went away and I’m expecting a visit on Wednesday.

Fuck! Sorry. Wednesday. They told you Wednesday. I suppose they even gave you a time then?

3.00pm.

Fuck! 3 in the afternoon. Why aren’t you out of there now. They could be watchin the house. You’ve got to get away. They could be taping the phone ... Why are you even ringing me you crazy fucker! Hang up now! Fuck off.

Easy mate! It’s too late for that.

Don’t you easy me you dickhead. You risk my life. You risk Jill’s life not to mention the little ones and you want me to act easy. I’ll give you easy.

Looks like we’re all gonna get easy on Wednesday.

Don’t you muck with me. If you knew it was so soon, if you knew it was Wednesday why’d you ... why’d you just not tell me. Let it be a surprise for god’s sake.

Like it will be for Bob.

Yea. Like it will be for Bob. Isn’t that brilliant. I’ve got a booking on the toilet for the next three days, can’t eat, can’t sleep. I feel like throwing up and bloody Bob will be flouncing around town like its no body’s business. A bit here and a bit there and then ... Wednesday. Just like that It’ll be Wednesday. Bob’ll be buzzin and then it’ll hit him ... Wednesday. He won’t even have time to ring me and even if he did I couldn’t come to the phone cause I’d be throwing my guts up, fucker. I’m all sweaty now. I can’t think straight. I’m going to release Jill back into the bush tonight. At least one of us will get away.

Calm down.

Calm down my arse.

No calm down, have a scotch, have a gin, for fuck’s sake have an absinthe, but calm down. I’ve got some good news as well.

Good news. How could you have any good news after that.

I won some money today.

You won some money today? You won some money TODAY!! Oh that’s fantastic. Then we can get away. Oh you beautiful fucker. I knew you had a plan. You’ve always got a plan. I’m packed, I’m shaved I’ll give them fuckin’ Wednesday. Where are we going then? Panama?, The Maldives?, Portugal?

Are you sitting down.

Yes I’m sitting down ... now. I’m shaking but I’m sitting down.

Good. I won $50 dollars on a scratch lottery this morning. Hello? ... Hello?

I’m crying. I’m sitting down and I’m shaking and I’m crying. It’s like all my Wednesdays have come at once.

Mick we’ve got to appreciate the little things now. It’s all we have left. I’ve had to re-prioritise my entire life. I’ve drawn up a list of things to do and you were number four. Now I’ve got to go, you look after yourself, have that drink. I’m going to ring Bob now. You know, I’ve never won anything in my life before today.

Congratulations then.

Thanks Mick. Good luck on Wednesday.