The Night train (continued)

by William Bowden

Cold, dark, and clammy—just the way I like it. Well just the way I like it now of course. I spose I may as well tell ya how it happened, not that you’ll care much—you’re no doubt still trying to outwit them ain’tcha?

Really? Yeah well shuddup and listen my friend. You’re doomed along with the rest of em, and one more would-be hero ain’t gonna lift anyone’s spirits higher than this—the old shitter. Mankind is caput baby, wake up and smell the corpses.

You know the day. We all know the fuckin day, yeah well I’d been working back late see, and caught the last tube—like a rat in a fuckin’ trap, How was I to know—and there was no-one around to tell me either, the train was fuckin’ deserted. Don’t know who was drivin’ the fuckin’ thing, must’ve been on auto or something. Anyway I’m sitting there minding my own beeswax, kind of dozing when I hear a bit of a noise. So I opens me eyes and there’s one of the bastards crawling on the outside of the window. Cool as a cucumber if you like. I looks at him and he looks at me and then he starts grinning. I’m wide-awake at this juncture and full of adrenalin if you know what I mean. One look into those ‘orrible eyes and I know he wants me, and then those teeth—hideous, they weren’t human—even I knew that at the time. So I’m backing away thinking there’s nowhere to run and he starts smashing on the window like. I know the glass is pretty thick but he’s making cracks appear faster than a fuckin’ comedian. Christ it’s not as if I had a weapon is it? I just had me newspaper for fuck’s sake—though I’ve always said some of those headlines are pretty vicious and I was prepared to use ‘em if necessary. What’s that? I was fuckin JOKIN’ alright! By this stage I’m shitting meself, and I started running down the carriage, heading for the rear, just trying get some distance between me and that monster. In my heart I knew I was a goner though. Next station was Hyde Park Corner, and even if I got off the platform anything that could climb on the outside of a movin’ train was going to have no trouble getting me in the tunnels up to the street.

So I’m halfway down the next carriage when I realise I’ve truly fucked up. The only chance I’ve got is to get into the driver’s compartment—and that’s at the sodding front innit? So I turns meself around and end up where I was previous like. The bastard’s nearly through the glass; and as I runs past he lunges with his free arm, and grabs hold of me coat. I thought I’d bought the farm right there and then I can tell you, cause the fucker’s grip is like iron—and he’s got hold of me wrist and pulling me in. Next thing there’s an almighty smash and his headless corpse is swishing around in the wind. Some bloody pole or something had knocked his block off. Still, took me ages to prize off his sodding hand, and of course then I noticed the head was starting to grow back. Christ talk about needin’ new underwear, know what I mean.

Anyway I scarpered up to the compartment and of course it was locked, but with me trainin’ and whatever, I’ve always got me skeleton keys see. So I opens the door and shuts it quick smart, cause by now my little pal is in the train and looking nastier by the minute, head like a baby, mind of a nutter, and in need of some serious dental work if you get my meaning. What’s that, no you can’t borrow my sodding skeleton keys, and shut-up anyway—I ain’t finished yet. So I gets up there and there’s no sign of any driver, just a little readout screen saying “Hyde Park Corner” stop or continue? So I figure I’ll keep going: if I gets past Green Park, I can have a geeze at Piccadilly Circus and see what the fuck is going on. So I press continue. Yeah of course there was a sodding radio, That was me next move, I grabbed it and started yelling for some ‘elp. Of course there was no answer, but at that stage I thought I was just dealing with one of ‘em see. The bowel-cakes really hit the fan when we went past Green Park, real fuckin’ horror show. Corpses everywhere, and some of ‘em trying to jump on the sodding train or standin’ on the tracks. Not to mention what looked like things crawling on the ceiling of the tunnel. I only got a glimpse though, before we was back in the tunnel proper.

By this stage I knew this was something out of the usual run of events.

You know all sorts of things go through your mind in a situation like that. Was they zombies, vampires, some sort of biological weapon or aliens maybe? Well I knew was I never going to find out stuck going round in circles on the tube. Despite everything I had to get off somewhere and try me luck. Who knows, maybe things were better on the surface and these things didn’t like the light or something. I s’pose even then I felt that was a little optimistic-like, but I also knew that if Green Park was a preview, then Piccadilly would be the main event—and I was headin right for it!

Well I’ll tell ya if you give me half a chance! First thing I did was stop the sodding train. It was time to backtrack quick smart or I was going to get overrun by the buggers. I figured I’d ‘ead back to Knightsbridge cause it was quiet there when I got on, and I fought I might be able to hole up in me office for a while. Yeah, I realise that was crazy now but I didn’t know then did I? Also there was plenty of shops around and I was beginning to figure on some serious weaponry coming in handy, though the driver’d had a toolkit of sorts and I felt a lot better with a huge fuckin’ spanner in me mit I’ll tell ya. I cranked the old girl right up and pretty soon we was flying along faster than Christopher fuckin’ Reeve—that’s in his hayday mind, though I hear his new wheelchair moves at quite a trot. Every so often there was a thump as somefing fell off the ceiling or whatever but I couldn’t give a rats of course.

Pretty soon Knightsbridge came into view, but as I was at the back of the train I whizzed through most of the station before stoppin’. Well, it seemed as quiet as a soddin’ tomb, and I began to feel that I was either really fuckin’ lucky, or that there was an even bigger nasty waitin’ in the shadows like. Still what the Falconcrest was I gonna do, I had to bail even if it was risky ‘cause I couldn’t stay where I was. I knew I had old shit-head to deal with if I opened the door, but I wasn’t sure the alternative—which was trying to smash the windows, wasn’t goin’ to attract some other monster. I was listening at the door and I could here the fucker prowling around outside, so I decided then and there what to do and got me tools ready.

Even if I say so myself it was like fuckin’ poetry it was. I made a rattling with the handle to attract his attention, heard him charge towards me, opened the door quick as a shandy in a public loo, and sent him flying into the dashboard with a nice little tap on the back of his skull for good measure. Then I slammed the door, and pulled out the handle and the pin—which I had loosened before inviting my visitor inside. I even ‘eard a groan as the inner handle fell to the floor, but I didn’t wait around for congratulations as I was heading outta there as quick as boiled spuds.

It’s a funny thing but tools give you confidence, and as I slung the driver’s kit over me shoulder and hefted that ruddy great spanner I felt ready for anything I did. It’s a shame I didn’t see that fuckin’ tentacle a bit earlier as I stepped onto the platform, but I was so pumped up that I whacked it clean in two with my first swing. Of course any tentacle is not just wandering around on its own as you were, but part of some hideous creature and I didn’t hang around to find out who the father of the bride was so to speak, but scarpered for the nearest escalator. It’s bizarre but the fuckin’ escalators were still working—that’s great that is, they’d happily transport Atilla the Fuckin Hun they would, but in this case I was well happy ‘cause they were taking me further away from the tentacle thing. As I got about halfway up I saw a huge blubbery mass appear at the bottom of the steps, but judging from its size and shape, it weren’t goin’ anywhere near me.

When I got to the top, the tunnel was deserted. So the first thing I did was ransack a food machine for supplies. I wasn’t sure of the nutritional value of my haul but it was better than the manky half-eaten Mars bar in my jacket anyway. I didn’t like the look of the corridor I was in, but I thought I’d chance it as there seemed no other way out. I needed a real rucksack to carry all this shit, and luckily there was the corpse of a student nearby, poor little sod, so I re-organised myself before going on. I kept a close eye on the body for signs of zombie activity, but he seemed as dead as a dodo thank Christ and what he was doin’ wearing a bleedin’ Rolex I’ll never fuckin’ know. Still made a nice souvenir, but just as I was strappin’ it on I ‘eard noises coming from down below. Time to go it was, and I nipped off down a little side passage as fast as me legs would go.

You know the way they ‘ave those parallel corridors, for people goin’ opposite ways like, but every so often you can see through a break in the wall? Well that was when I first saw what was makin’ that noise. As I passed on of those gaps I looked over of course and saw a flash of something. Then I ‘eard what sounded like some kind of laugh for shitsakes. Next fing I knew I could ‘ear runnin’ ahead of me, and as I passed the next gap, somefing tripped me up and I was fuckin’ down on the floor and dropped me soddin’ spanner and all! Then he was on me, pulling at me clothes and trying for the neck of course. I thought I might be in real trouble cause they’re ferocious ain’t they, but he wasn’t much good when I shoved a screwdriver in ‘is eye, or at least it slowed him down some whilst I breaked his neck from behind. But the fucker was still thrashing around and it was only when I stamped his spine in two that he stopped his bloody rubbish. I didn’t hang around at that point, but belted up to the last set of stairs and made a dash for the surface.

Now as you may know Brompton Road is a big fuckin’ street, full of big fuckin’ shops and big fuckin’ buildings with big fuckin’ locks on ‘em. And as I made my way out of the station I noticed that those big fuckin’ locks were still in place. Yeah that’s right, everyone had packed up an’ gone ‘ome before all this crap was fully underway. So I thinks to mesen, what is the best fuckin’ shop to get into eh? A place with loads of food? A place with loads of drugs? A place with loads of guns, or maybe a car showroom so I’s can get outta town fast…Yeah I didn’t know that then did I! For fuck’s sake this was back then, remember, the first fuckin night alright and I was doin pretty fuckin well thankyou very much. One more word outta you and I’ll fuckin’ hit ya! Yeah, well we’ll sort somefing out, never you mind, you just fuckin watch it!

Anyway where was I before all this fuckin aggravation then; that’s right the shops. So I figured, well, the best place is ‘arrods ‘cause they got the fuckin lot, and security isn’t that tight being based on alarms and guards and all that shit rather than locks, so I made me way down there didn’t I? Well the front door was a pissin’ doddle, I could see it was just a few Lockwoods, but there was a security door—one o’ those expandin’ types; and the lock was a bit fiddly. I was having trouble with the fucker, when I ‘eard the sound of a dustbin rollin’ over. I dunno what made me look up the other way, but I could see black shapes coming down the street towards me and I realised they was coming from both directions.

Christ I’ve never picked a lock so fast in my life, but sometimes when you rush things you make mistakes and my mistake was not noticing the other fuckin’ lock up above my head. I was just about to pull the doors open with a flourish when I felt the top snag and I thought I was fuckin’ custard with a capital K. The fuckers were almost upon me and once again I could hear that laughing sound—what the fuck is that anyway? So I reaches up and madly starts trying to get that bastard lock open. Just as I feel it begin to turn one of the buggers grabs my arm. It was desperation stations at that point, and I slugged him with all I ‘ad. Luckily he went down, and just as ‘is mates rushed me I closed the barrier behind me. Then they was all there, rattling the thing to buggery and it was only the top lock holding the cage together. I was in a real tight spot I can tellya. Of course I started workin’ on the Lockwoods, but every so often I had to beat off one of the buggers when ee was getting his arm through the bars. They was always grabbing at me and I realised it would be down to the wire. Finally I got the last lock open, but just before I pulled the soddin’ door they were upon me!

I ‘spose I was screaming blue murder because initially I didn’t even realise that some of the fuckers were falling away with major organs missing—like heads for example. Even when the security guard was shoving me inside, I still didn’t realize what the hell was goin’ on. It was only when he was grabbed and pulverised right in fuckin’ front of me that I think I woke up to the situation. Poor fucker, he’d saved my life he had, but I had no choice really, I had to slam the doors in his face, or what was left of his face—just a pair of eyes really, oh and his lips were sort of attached, cause the screams came from somewhere. What’s that? Squeamish? Leave it out! Anyway the doors were really fuckin’ thick and with all those locks I had a breathin’ space at last. It was then I got a good look at what was going on and it curled my hair I can tell you. I saw those fuckin’ limbs regrowing, and arms marching across and welding themselves to each other and I’d almost fuckin lost it when I ‘eard the first gunshot behind me.

Christ of it ain’t enough being attacked by you know who, now I was under fire from the security guards inside the shop. I was yelling out “Stop, I’m fuckin human!” but there were so many shots going off I don’t know if they ‘eard me. Also the first shot had cracked the glass in the door and me ‘friends’ outside began smashing away, sensing their chance. I tried yellin’ again and this time I got the guard’s attention. “Look you’ve smashed the fuckin’ glass, they’re goin ta get in if we don’t fix it.” Then I ‘eard a voice saying “Welcome to Harrods Sir”, and a bit of giggling and these two guards appeared looking suspicious and aiming their guns clean at me. Fuck it was good to see someone normal and I could see by their faces they must ‘ave felt the same. I said, “Look guys I’m really sorry about yer mate there, he saved me an all but those, monsters got im and they’ll get us if we don’t do something fast.” They intro’d themselves as Tony and Alf, and next we was all hugging each other. So we decided we’d better fix the door quick smart, and the easiest way was with some welding gear. So Alf goes off to get it, after giving me a pistol and Tony and I minds the door like, were we sat occasionally popping one off into the face of something that got to close fer comfort. Then Alf’s back and we rip down some sheets from a display and weld the door shut. Fuck what a relief. So of course now there’s time to talk and I’m burnin with curiosity as to what the fuck is going on. I mean do these guys know what the fuck is going on at all? Alf suggests we go to the Patisserie and chat over a cuppa and then I realised I was starvin’, so we all head off through the “Room of Luxury” and The “Egyptian Hall’ to the Patisserie.

It was weird being in Harrods after hours like and being able to eat what yer liked, but what was even weirder was hearing Alf and Tony describing the last couple of hours. First they talked about the news bulletins, which of course I’d never seen describing the outbreaks of trouble all over the world and experts wondering about the possible causes.

No-one seemed to know what had caused all this shit, go figure. Then they talked about the live pictures that were broadcast, usually shot seconds before the camera crews bought it, and finally the horrors as tv studios were overrun often with the bleedin’ cameras still rollin’. Then the networks went dead but by then these guys were seeing all kinds of crap on their closed circuit tv. It seemed as if Knightsbridge had been pretty quiet in comparison to what I’d seen at Green Park, but they’d seen loads of em wandering around attacking anything in their path and not just human-like shapes either, they’d seen other shit that they didn’t like the look of.