Exercises
“Penis Enlargement”
It all started when I answered the ad for penis enlargement pills. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been happy with the size of my member. I’ve never had any complaints, well none that ever got back to me anyway. There was this one girlfriend who said ... well, never mind, she wasn’t quite right in the head.
So I answered this ad, spontaneously you might say. Before even thinking about it I’d pressed the reply button and typed in my credit card details. Well that’s when it started. I got a package in the mail, wrapped in brown paper — of course. I was surprised, to tell you the truth. I wasn’t expecting to actually get anything. I took the it out of my post office box and drove home, the package sitting on the passenger seat of my car like someone you picked up on a long country drive and don't quite trust.
When I got home I locked the front door, fixed myself a drink and sat down with the package on the table in front of me. I found myself suddenly aware of the subject of this whole exercise resting quietly in my trousers. Subject to the usual habit of regarding my penis like a third party, I felt like I’d just bought it an unexpected present and was waiting on the reaction.
I set down my drink and took up the parcel, ripping one end it away. Within was a small jar of pills and a letter.
“Dear ‘insert victim's name here’” it read.
by Peter Gifford
“Depression”
Depression is very depressing. It pisses me off, to tell you the truth. It was 4.03am on a Sunday morning and I was depressed and pissed off. I stood in my flat staring out through the venetian blinds at the dark block of flats opposite. There were people in there. Happy fucking people. People with lives. People who didn’t get up at 4am and wander through their flat like lost souls.
I tossed off my third scotch and sat down at my desk, started the computer and stared at the screen, my face blue in the radiated light. The sound of the modem connecting was like the silence being raped. Why not check my email, I thought. Who knows what life-changing emails I’ve received at 4am?
Just one. From someone called Gonzales. Telling me to get down to Ensenada by 6am.