Too Personal

by Peter Gifford

PITTSBURGHER

Hi girls, stop right there, don’t go any further! You’ve found the man of your dreams!

This is really hard, but here goes ... I’m a good-looking, sensitive 30 year old male, located in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA. I’m Caucasian (White), a Gemini and Catholic. I’m 5'5" tall with a very cuddly body, I don’t smoke. I drink socially. Looking for a special girl to share fun times with, with maybe a view to something more. My friends say I’m OK looking. I guess my best feature is my ability to smile. I’ve never done this before (really) but I thought I’d just try it for fun.

Posted 2.37am, Saturday 31st December 2002

HI PITTSBURGHER

You sound like a nice guy. Can I see a photo?

AMY1138

HI AMY1138!

Hi, how are you? I had a look at your profile. I like cats too! Do you have problems with so many? My grandmother used to have about ten — in fact eight of them outlived here. The police said it happens all the time. Anyway, maybe we can get together? I know you live in Wales in England but I love to travel. Last week I went on this really fun bus ride with a group of people to visit a Civil War battlefield. They provided lunch and everything.

Is that really your age?

PITTSBURGHER

HI PITTSBURGHER

Yes, I just turned 29. We’re only one year apart, isn’t that a coincidence? I’m glad you like cats, they can be such good companions and they never betray you and turn around and stab you in the back or criticize your failings; they just give you unconditional love as long as you keep feeding them. This is sort of weird isn’t it? We’ve only just met and here I am already telling you about my cats. I think it’s really important for two people to share common interests and always be honest with each other, don’t you? That one thing is really the basis of a good relationship. What do you think?

Can you send me a photo?

AMY1138 x

AMY1138

Wow, it was good to hear — I mean read — from you again. I mean it was good to read an email from you again. I guess in the days before the internet people had to go through all kinds of really hard things just to be able to meet, and even then you couldn’t be sure that you’d have things in common, like an appreciation of cats. I really hate smoky, crowded bars full of people pretending they’re having a good time and just making stupid small talk, don’t you? I mean it’s always so loud and there’s nowhere to sit and just get to know someone is there? Do you like a drink? I like a drink now and again. Not by myself or anything — ha ha — but sometimes I’ll meet some guys down at the local bar and we’ll talk about our school days and stuff and have a couple of beers. Do you like beer?

I was just reading your profile again and you said that the number one thing you were looking for in a man was faithfulness. I think that’s really important too.

You also say that you like a walk along the beach, cuddling by a roaring fire and holding hands. These are all things I like too. We don’t get many beaches in Pennsylvania but I went to Venice Beach in California once and walked along it. You know that spot where all the guys work out and everyone stops and watches them? Well I was standing there having a fluffy-fruit shake (the triple whizz ones with the low-fat cream; do you like shakes?) and this big biker guy comes up to me and asked me if he could slurp my shake. They’re really friendly in California aren’t they — must be all that sun. Is it sunny in Wales? I’ve never been there but I think the Queen is really a nice person.

Looking forward to your next email,

PITTSBURGHER

DEAR PITTSBURGHER

I’m so glad to hear that you think faithfulness is important. Some people don’t attach any importance to sticking through thick and thin with a person, and love without that is just lust isn’t it? I think a good relationship is all about hard work as well as having fun. You should be able to cry with your partner as well as laugh, to see it through the good times and bad, "til death do us part". I mean they just haven’t put it any better than that have they? The wedding vows I mean. Not that I’m desparate to get married or anything — I mean, I’m still young at 33 — but I just think that no one has said it better, about what a relationship is about. There are people who have all these modern ideas of relationships, but then you don’t see them REALLY being happy do you? I mean they might LOOK happy, walking down the street with some little trollop on their arm, but what is all that laughing and smiling anyway but a mask that you wear when you face the world, like that song, about the clowns, where they get sent in in tears or something.

I’m looking forward to getting your photo. You know what I look like remember!

AMY1138

DEAR AMY1138

I’ve made your photo into a wallpaper for my desktop; I hope you don’t mind ’but its easier to write to you when I can look at you at the same time. It’s a little fuzzy and grainy (I had to blow it up to 1280x1024) but I can see your eyes looking at me behind your glasses. I know you’re kind of scowling a bit but I like to imagine that I’ve just told some corny joke and you’re sort of laughing and scowling at the same time. Hope you don’t mind.

I was getting my hard drive fixed today and the man in the shop said "you might have to wipe this drive" and I said "I can’t wipe that drive, my Amy’s in there" and he said "who’s Amy" and I said "none of your business pal." I don’t think it would be right to tell anyone about us yet do you? It sort of special just keeping it between us. I think, and I hope you don’t mind, that we have something a bit special because we have so much in common, what with the cats and the beaches and all.

So what did you do today? I did some internet surfing, worked (I work from home, did I tell you? I fix computers), had some lunch, worked some more, went for a walk to the corner shop and back, worked again, and then made fish and chips for dinner and watched TV. I’m told I make a really good fish and chips. Do you like food? You didn’t tell me if you liked beer either. I also have a really cool collection of pewter reproductions of Civil War era pistols. I’m told they may be worth a lot of money one day. You remember when we first started writing to each other I said I’d been on a bus tour of a Civil War battlefield ... well I guess you’ve already guessed I’m really interested in the Civil War. That’s the American one of course! Ha ha! Some friends and I once formed a Civil War re-enactment group. The plan was to recreate every one of the Civil war’s 237 battles (well, 236 really, the last one was a skirmish really, no matter what Chuck says, if it wasn’t for the last-minute intervention of the remnants of the Colonel Anderson’s 45th Company maybe it would have gone on to be a battle and then all the history books would be different wouldn’t they?) — anyway, we were going to recreate them all in the big yard of the old abandoned Southwest Power Station, and maybe even film them with Chuck’s portable High8 camera. We could have sent them to the Discovery Channel or something. Anyway, we started with the first shots fired on Fort Sumter by throwing some rocks at the water tank, but a security guard showed up and told us to get the hell out of there (excuse the harsh language, but that’s what he said).

Gee it’s fun just talking with you like this — I hope you don’t mind me talking (sorry — writing) so much but I think we can talk really easily don’t you?

Write soon,

PITTSBURGHER (do you want to know my real name?)

DEAR PITTSBURGHER

I don’t know much about history. I did mainly home economics at school. It’s probably more a boy thing isn’t it? I’m good, I’m just — I mean — well, I guess I’d just like to know where this relationship is going. I wouldn’t want you to think that I exchange emails with just any guy who writes to me online you know, I mean there’s been offers, but I think it’s important to retain a sense of mystery, especially for a woman. It’s not so important for a man to be mysterious is it really? I mean a man shouldn’t keep secrets should he? He should be honest and open, because when a man is honest with a woman that woman is sure to respond positively; it’s just when a man won’t do something he said he would do even though the woman asks him over and over to do it that I think that the woman is entitled to get a bit worried about what the man might be hiding from her and she might even think that the man is deceiving her in some way or trying to hide something from her, or in fact have actually lied about something like how he looks.

I’m so glad you’re not that kind of man.

Please send photo,

AMY1138

TO DEAR AMY1138

Is that your name, Amy? Did you know that THX1138 was a film by George Lucas? That would be a pretty amazing coincidence wouldn’t it, if you didn’t know that and you just picked those numbers. I really like that film too so that would be even more of a coincidence. Can I just call you Amy? I suppose I should tell you my real name. Ready? Wow, this is weird, like we just met or something. Here we go ... it’s ... sure you’re ready? OK ... it’s Joe. Really. Just Joe. Well, a few friends of mine still call me Pig, but that’s an old nickname and I never introduce myself with that anymore. I don’t even know how it started anyway.

It’s just after midnight and I was thinking of you while sitting here at my computer ... do think somehow we can meet? I suppose that’s really hard considering we’re so far apart and all but sometimes I feel so close to you that it’s like you’re sitting here on my lap as I type. I suppose it’s possible to have a full satisfying relationship via the internet these days, don’t you think? I mean lots of people do it. Just a minute I’m just going to get another beer ...

Back again, did you miss me? Anyway, maybe we can hook up some kind of instant email connection software so we can talk at the same time - I’m quite a fast typer. What do you think?

JOE

JOE

PLEASE SEND PHOTO!

AMY

DEAREST AMY

I downloaded a shareware program we could use so we could instant message — do you use Macs or PCs? You’re probably a Mac girl because you’re so sensitive and artistic and love cats. I use PCs but I have to because of my job and they’re good for people who like to tinker around with the insides like me. I think this software is cross-platform though.

Isn’t this exciting? I think once we set this up our relationship will develop even more (is that possible? I think so — do you?)

Don’t forget to let me know what system software you’re using.

JOE xxx

JOE

I can’t take it anymore. I can’t believe you could treat me this way. You’re just like every other man. You put your trust and your emotions in their hand and they just crush them like a little innocent dried flower. I don’t care about you and your system software and Civil War pewter pistol collections and historic battle re-enactments. I bet you’ve never even cuddled by an open fire before! It’s all nothing but lies and deceit and pretend cat-loving and no-photo sending! You’re just like all the rest!

AMY

AMY

Amy, I love cats, I really do! I haven’t actually got one, but the neighbour’s cat leaves dead birds in my yard sometimes, and when I see ads for cat food on television I always get all funny inside. I’m different from the rest, really! Don’t go any further! You’ve found the man of your dreams!

Photo attached.

JOE

PITTSBURGHER

ADMIN MESSAGE: THE LOGIN NAME ‘AMY1138’ HAS BEEN DEREGISTERED. REFINE SEARCH?

PITTSBURGHER

Hi girls, stop right there, don’t go any further! You’ve found the man of your dreams!

This is really hard, but here goes ... I’m a good-looking, sensitive 28 year old male, located in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA. I’m Caucasian (White), a Gemini and Catholic (non-practicing). I’m 6’1" tall with a few extra pounds, I don’t smoke. I drink socially. Looking for a special girl who shares my belief that faithfulness is the most important thing in a relationship. I am honest and open, because when a man is honest with a woman that woman is sure to respond positively. Love walking along the beach, cuddling by a roaring fire, holding hands and especially love cats. I’ve never done this before (really) but I thought I’d just try it for fun.

Posted 1.48am, Friday 15th January 2003