Pulp Idol

by Michele deBes

It’s not much fun being kidnapped. As the teenage daughter of a major Deity, I’ve had more that my fair share. There’s no cutting off little fingers or ikky things like that. My bods protected by serious mojo, but that doesn’t stop my kidnappers from finding ways to make me suffer.

“Hey!” I shouted, pounding on the door with the flat of my hand. “Don’t you guys know how to clean a toilet.”

If I stood on tippy toes, I could see through the grill in the door. The long hall was empty, but I could hear laughter echoing from somewhere at the other end.

“And how about some food.” I yelled. “I’m hungry.”

A guy holding a tray walked down the hall and stopped by the door.

“Stand against the back wall.” he said, and I did what I was told. Keys rattled and the door swung open.

I gave him a look up and down. Dark curly hair was spilling from under a balaclava and he had the whole camouflage, bandoleer thing going on.

“Hey you’re cute” I said.

“I was going for menacing.” he said, and I giggled. He placed the tray on the table and turned towards the door.

“Don’t go yet.” I said, stepping towards him. “It’s lonely in here. We could have some fun. I finally don’t have to worry about my parents barging in.”

My fingers trailed around the hem of my little, white sport skirt. I had been spirited out of a school hockey game. School was mum’s idea, mix with the mortals to get to know my subjects before I’m old enough to lord it over them.

I flicked a lock of curly blond hair over my shoulder and batted my eyelashes.

“Come on.”

“I’m under strict instructions not to touch you.” He said, but he didn’t move away and his voice had a husky edge. He let me approach him and I looked up into his eyes.

“I won’t tell. Promise” I said. “Come on, You probably don’t get to meet many girls in your line of work. We don’t tend to hang around in dungeons. Just one little kiss.”

I may not have had all my powers yet, but I knew how to make most of what nature gave me.

He leaned forward but when his lips touched mine, there was a flash of red light. Sparks ran across his face and I saw shock in his eyes before he fell back on the floor unconscious.

“No hand of desire or violence shall mar this flesh.” I said, quoting my mum’s spell of protection. “A real bore, except for moments like these.”

I stepped over him but stopped when the door was filled by a large man with what looked like a very big gun. Useless of course.

“Back up or I turn this baby on.” He said.

I looked closer and realised he was holding the nozzle of a fire hose. Damn it, someone had done their homework.

“Hey that’s not fair.’ I said, retreating to the wall again. “I just had my hair set this morning.”

They dragged out Mr bandoleer who was coming around, and the door clanged shut. I checked the food on the table and found they’d served me a cold hamburger and chips.

“Haven’t you guys heard of low GI. When I turn eighteen and get my full powers, I’m going to find you and... and... you’ll be mega sorry.” I yelled.

“We’re already sorry, now shut up or we’ll hose you down.” Someone yelled back. I was preparing a witty reply but didn’t bother. There was much laughter and guffawing as Mr Bandoleer was given a proper roasting by his mates. I can tell when I am being ignored.

I’d forgotten how good starch and fat tasted and the food was soon gone. You can only have so much ambrosia.

To burn off some of the calories I did a few star jacks and paced up and down the small stone room. Without Rodney, my cute personal trainer to the gods, it was impossible to keep the enthusiasm going. The wooden chair was hard and cold on my butt but the bed looked grimy and I was sure I would be rescued long before bed time. The boredom was like a physical pain in my chest and the hours passed agonisingly slowly.

Suddenly there was a commotion in the hall. I heard gruff shouts turn into high pitched screams. I jumped up and looked out the grill. Magical explosions of blue light dazzled my eyes. Men were falling like felled trees as a dark blurry shadow mowed through them till none were left standing. The smoky apparition solidified into the tall, slim form of my royal body guard, Thaddeus Glim. I stood back as the door melted into grey, steaming sludge on the floor.

“About time.” I said pushing past him. “What took you so long. I’ve been here for frigging hours.”

He spun me around. There was a blur and my cheek stung from a slap. He held my arms in a vice like grip, his black eyes were angry slits in his narrow scarred face.

“You ungrateful child. I won’t always be around to protect you.” he said, giving me a shake.

My mouth dropped open and I gaped like a gold fish. I had never seen him lose his cool before, ever. That’s when I noticed the red stain spreading down the black leather of his tunic. I’d never seen him bleed before either.

“You’re hurt.” I said reaching out a shaking hand. “I’m sorry.”

He released me and grabbed my hand before I could touch him.

“I’m not getting any younger.” He said “Now lets get out of here.”

He led me down the hall, stepping over the bodies. I had to trot to keep up with him. In every corridor and room we passed through, there were wounded piled up. He had fought his way through an army to rescue me.

Finally we were in the open in a dark forest outside a stone bunker. The night was filled with the groans of the smitten. My cheek stung in the cool air and the realisation hit me harder than the slap.

“The spell.” I said. I tugged his hand so he had to turn to me. “You hit me. You shouldn’t be able to do that. Only my parents can touch me in anger. Not that they would ever bother.”

“Not now.” Said Thaddeus, avoiding my eyes.

A guard stumbled out of the trees, saw us and turned and ran.

“I need to know before we get back home, and before you bleed to death.” I said.

“You are your mother’s daughter. You will inherit your mothers power when you come of age. That’s all you need to know.” He said looking everywhere but at me.

“And my father?” I asked squeezing his hand.

“Lord Dread knows and understands.” He said and finally looked me in the eyes.

I looked up into the face of the man who had always been there to save me when things went wrong, which was quite often. A huge lump in my throat stopped me from saying anything just then, so I hugged him. His muscles softened and his arms crept around me. I’d never felt so safe in my life, until I felt the warm blood soak through my shirt.

I broke the embrace and took his arm.

“I promise I’ll look after you.” I said and he just grunted.

The glowing circle was waiting for us behind the trees and I helped him into the light that would take us home.