Wake Up

by Michele deBes

The tunnel stretched before me long and dark, a single ray of light shining like a star in the distance. The roaring grew behind me and I forced my tired limbs into a run. I could see the hole now, a glimpse of daylight blue and gold, but as I grew closer I could see it shrinking, the light diminishing. I laboured on, finally reaching the end of the tunnel and a ledge up to the hole. My fingers slipped on the surface as I desperately scrambled towards the light. Only a foot across now the hole was shrinking faster. My fingernails scraped through thick slippery mud as the howling increased behind me. The tiny hole twinkled then disappeared and the screaming darkness closed in around me.

But darkness brought relief, the mud between my fingers turned to linen, the sheets on my bed. The nightmare faded and I relaxed back into sleep.

I woke up and it was late. I could tell by the shaft of light angling down the bedroom wall. Stretching luxuriously, I savoured the good feeling of sleeping long and well.

I slipped out of bed and padded out into the big living room. Glass sliding doors showed the view of tree tops around the balcony. It was high up here. I felt light and young as I crossed to the open plan kitchen. There were people around and I could hear their voices in the other rooms. The day was slowly beginning and it was going to be a good one.

I looked in the fridge, reached past the sausages and grabbed a mandarin. It took a moment to connect. I live in a vegetarian household. It was just another dream. I raced back towards the bedroom as the walls shifted and the occupants were revealed. Blank faces that changed if I looked too long.

I dove at the white square of rumpled sheets, pulled them around me and pressed my eyes shut.

I went back into black. This time I didn’t let sleep take me. I wanted to wake up, not wake up in another dream. I had to find my body in the numb void. There was heat, a sweaty breathless heat. I could feel my heart thumping, my breaths fast and noisy but I couldn't feel my face. I willed my eyes to open but there was no connection. The exertion tired me and I submitted to the drag of sleep. Surely the world would be there at the end of another dream. That’s how it worked.

I woke up in a beige room. I shifted under the crisp sheets but my limbs felt heavy and I relaxed back. The door opened and a man in a suit entered and sat beside my bed.

He began asking questions but I looked away.

I had always been there. All my wanderings led me back there. I was mad and would never be let out. My past was an illusion. Only this man with his soft voice was real and I hated him.

Eventually he left and I lay staring at the ceiling, not thinking anything, letting the time pass and stretch, lulled by the silence.

Somewhere in the distance a beeper went off. I rolled my head toward the sound and saw that the door to my room was ajar. I stiffened. They had forgotten to lock it. I pushed aside the sheets with weak arms, fighting the lethargy. I made it to my feet and staggered towards the door. I had to get out of there. The hall was empty and I lurched along, each footstep getting heavier and heavier like my numb feet were pushing through mud. I knew this feeling and the certainty became more real with each step I took. This was a nightmare and there was only one way out. I turned and forced my limbs into a shambling walk. I couldn't find my door. They were all locked and I became desperate. The bed was my sleep portal. I would never be able to find my way back. Back ... back where?

I found an unlocked door and stumbled into a cleaning closet. I threw myself on the floor and covered my head with my arms and was plunged into darkness.

I desperately tried to remember where I had gone to sleep, which bed was it? What room? What was the first dream? Maybe it was the closest to being awake. The dreams flashed before me, leading back in an unending succession.

Back to the heat. The heat on my eyes, the grit between my fingers. I forced myself into that body, pounding with the heart, gasping with the lungs, forcing the lip muscles away from my teeth. My eyeballs twitched beneath my lids and I pushed against the red until slits of sliver seared into my brain. Suddenly my body was free and I cried out. I rolled onto my side, sweat dripping around my neck. He was beside me in a moment. His cool hand wiping the hair from my brow.

“It's Ok you were dreaming.” he said. I knew that voice, had always known it.

I sighed out a long shuddering breath and gazed past the orange sarong my cheek was pressed against. The sea sparkled on the shore, green deepening to blue against a high cloud swept sky. He leaned over and kissed my cheek, a dry salty kiss, and I relaxed beneath his hands. It was cool in the shade of his body. The sweat dried from my skin and when he shifted the delicious warmth returned. I felt sleep beckoning with every stroke of his fingers across my brow. I couldn’t resist the luscious tiredness. It was summer, we were on holidays, we had all the time in the world. I could sleep for ever if I wanted.

My eyes slowly closed.