Exercises
‘Famous person in a new setting’
Al Capone sat down to breakfast and pulled his plate closer.
“Careful you don’t get any egg on your tie, like yesterday. When I saw your picture in the paper I nearly died.” said his mother.
Al grumbled but kept shovelling in the food.
by Michele deBes
“Man’s flu.”
“That's the diagnosis then, Doc.”
“Yep. Go home and annoy your wife. You can pay at reception.”
“Oh. OK. That’s it then. No drugs?”
“No drugs. No cure. Off you go.”
“But ... Doc ... will I die?”
“Probably ... someday ... somehow ... someway ... somewhere over the rainbow...Where was I? Oh yes. I have patients waiting. Off you go.”
“Uh Doc..one more thing. Is it all right if I ... you know?”
“No I don’t.”
“What?”
“Know. I don't know. Is it all right if you...what then?”
“Well ... see ... a man has special needs and I was wondering if ... seeing as how I have man’s flu ... and I might not recover ... can I ...”
“Get on with it, man.”
“Can I watch the telly?”
“Of course you can watch the telly.”
“OK then. Man’s flu. I'll be off then.”
“Goodbye ... goodbye ... yellow brick road ...”
by Karen Goldrick
It was his night for cruising the bars. And the bars were jumping tonight. Tolkein but a little skip in his step, making gulping noises in his throat as he strolled down an alley on the seemy edge of Oxford. “Hey precious!” called the girls from the doorways. “You want me to do that thing with your ring?”
“Not tonight baby,” called back JR, “it’s been an age, but I’m hitting the Misty Mountains tonight.”
Tolkein found the bar on the next street, dry ice flowing through the giant plastic breasts that framed the doorway. “Hey JR,” called the bouncer, “how’s the sword that was broken?”
“Viagra, Sam, Viagra,” said Tolkein, “is Goldberry in?”
by Peter Gifford
“Captain Ostrich, Captain Ostrich, this is Mission Control, do you read?”
Ossie stared at the console with apparent interest, then his gaze flicked back to the pearly disc filling the window beside him.
“Captain, Captain,” Houston began again, when another voice cut in.
“Ossie, Ossie, mate ...”
The signal crackled and faded for a second. Ossie took a sip of water from a little plastic bag he’d found.
Then the voice stuttered through the nose-cone again, blurred and uneven. “I told you I needed to go up with him. You don’t understand.” There was a sound like a scuffle, then the signal came through loud and strong again.
“Captain Ostrich, Captain Ostrich, this is Houston. You are seriously off course, Captain. Do you read me, do you read me? Over.”
Ossie put a tiny yellow foot against the window, then pulled back quickly at the cold. He tucked it under his tail feathers and curled his head contentedly into his chest.
“Captain, Captain ...”
The little snores gently filled Mission Control as the rocket puttered across the sky.
by Pil Lee
‘Binoculars’
He trained the binoculars on the quarry, cursing as the shake in his hands made the image blur. There was no mistaking the gaunt figure moving form tree to tree. He resembled the twisted branches and coal black bark of the forest he moved through. Fritz noticed his passage but dared not take up his gun. Any movement would alert his quarry. It was enough today that he had made a sighting. The first in three months.
by Michele deBes
Jeffrey placed the binoculars on the table and bit into his sandwich. Three weeks. Three weeks staring at the same window across the street. The phone rang.
“Yeah?”
“Jeffrey. It’s Tom. Anything new?”
“No.” He hung up the phone. Checked his watch. Looked at the second hand making short hops around the dial. Picked up the binoculars again.
Bits of salami and bread hit the glass in front of him. Blood, brains and splinters of glass hit the wall behind.
The phone rang.