Halloween

by Michele deBes

It was all going according to plan when the guard decided to be a hero. I’d been watching him out of the corner of my eye while I kept the others covered. His hand edged slowly across the marble floor beside where he lay, fingers creeping towards the gun under his stomach. How could the idiot think I wouldn’t see a dumb move like that. Time slowed as Cas bagged the cash. A cold trickle of sweat ran under my balaclava. I watched and wondered. Did the fat guard have what it takes to be a hero? I guess I just didn’t believe it.

My single shot had a satisfying echo. Like in the movies. It made a statement. It said the guard was dead.

The sound hadn’t died down when more gunshots exploded into the high vaulted ceiling. Another guard? I was knocked to the floor as Eddie lumbered past. I rolled and came up on my feet, firing anywhere my partners weren’t. I couldn’t make out the sound of my own gun in the mad volley that followed. It felt like I was using a silencer and every bullet was made of smoke. Then we were running for the door, through the sea of customers strewn on the floor. We were out and running for the car, half blinded in the bright light. There didn’t seem enough of us but I couldn’t tell who was missing. I concentrated on running but it felt like a hand was on my shoulder, jerking me back with every step. The car pulled away before the doors were closed. I banged on the boot and shouted, but the roar of the motor swallowed my voice and I was just mouthing obscenities. Suddenly I was alone on the street among a crowd of panicked people and I was the only one wearing a mask and holding a gun. I was looking at running backs. I dragged off the wool, holstered my piece and joined the crowd.

I made good time over the next two blocks but then had to slow and step into a lane to take a breather. I let the knowledge seep in as the trauma surfaced, shaking my knees and giving me a head spin. I took a hit at the bank. Eddie didn’t shove me in the back. It was a bullet. I swore and leant on the brick and tried to catch my breath. It was stuck in a cold space opening up between my shoulder blades. I looked down and blood was trickling down the back of my hand and dripping off my middle finger. God I don’t want to die here. I thought.

Sirens wined through the city. I had to keep moving before the adrenaline wore off and the pain set in. I was still on my feet so it couldn’t be too bad. It got easier as I walked through the streets out towards the suburbs. Maybe I’d been lucky and it was just a nick. The flow of blood had stopped. I walked, the pressure pushing me forward as night crept after me. I approached our house through a neighbours yard so I came out opposite and I crouched in a line of shrubs. The cops were already there and it could only mean one thing. Some one hadn’t made it out and they were alive and naming names. There was only one option now. Grab my emergency bag and disappear off the face of the earth. Even though I was prepared, I never thought it would come to this.

Miriam stood in the porch light, God love her, blocking their way, Josh on her hip. Head up and bitchy blond hair swinging, as she argued with the tall policeman. He kept motioning to go inside but she didn’t give ground. My heart pounded for her. I wished I was standing next to her but, she just stood there alone, slim little thing, fighting my battle. God it hurt.

The cops gave up, piled back in they’re car and drove away. The kids were fighting upstairs and Miriam swung back inside, slamming the door. The porch light flicked off. She sounded angry and I didn’t blame her. I’d blown another last chance but this time I was the one who had to leave.

I let the sounds of the street settle back to normality. I craned my neck to check if there was any surveillance but the street was clear. The phones would be tapped. They’d be back when they got organised. I had to let Miriam know I was alright. Say goodbye to my kids. For god’s sake.

Miriam’s voice rang out across the street from a window upstairs and silenced the kid’s squabble. I cringed. This was going to take some explaining. I withdrew carefully, circled around and came over the back fence into our yard, negotiating kids toys in the dark. There was a lot of activity upstairs. The kids were dressing and I could hear her marching round giving orders. She sounded like she was going to her mothers. I came up to the window as she came down the stairs, swinging Josh on her hip as he grumbled. I peaked through the window. Her back was to me and she was just standing in the middle of the room swinging josh. His eyes were glazed and looked past me over her shoulder. I wanted to call out but I could only raise a hand and wiggle my fingers. He caught the movement immediately. Smart boy, big blue eyes coming into focus, He jigged and pointed to me.

“Daddy.” I heard his little voice. She rocked and squeezed him, walked away from me as he squirmed. I slumped back down behind the window, drained but relieved. Maybe it was better this way. I’d made contact with Josh, at least one of my family.

The activity came to a slow climax inside the house and the family marched down the stairs and assembled in the vestibule. I knew it could be the last time I see them and I rocked up to me feet, lurched around the side of the house to peered around the front. Still no sign of surveillance. Porch lights were on and people were on the street. Our door burst open and a troupe of ghouls and witches burst into the porch light. I wanted to laugh. Halloween. Oh course, the kids had been looking forward to it for weeks. I was supposed to be there. She would be making it normal for the children. I let them get away from the house, all laughs and giggles. Even Josh was laughing. I wanted so much to follow but I had things to do now and I had to let them go. I headed back around the house and in the back door. The stairs nearly killed me. I had to sit on the kids bed to recover. Mobiles swung round my head in the still dark house. A noise outside. Was it the cops? No. God I was wired. When was I going to come down? I staggered over to the hidden panel in the wall behind the toy box. A thin crack was showing on the right side and I freaked. I slid it open but my case was there. Everything I needed to start a knew life and ... a fluffy toy. The kids must have found the hiding place. They were so clever. I chuckled until I saw the little bag on top of mine. It was Jimmies, my oldest boys, and it had a full water bottle tucked in the side, even a fake ID in the name tag made with coloured pencils.

I’d never felt so alone in my life and I sat there for a long time letting the few tears that I had slide down my cheeks. I knew I couldn’t leave with out saying goodbye. I reached for my bag but Jimmies felt so impossibly heavy on top. When I took my bag with its fake IDs I would be gone from this house, from their lives forever. I decided to come back for it later and slid the panel back in place.

There was a street party in the next lane and I could ease into the crowd. There were plenty of weird costumes for my dusty and blood stained clothes to blend in. I hammed it up for some kids who badgered me for sweets. I managed to scare them away and their squeals of delight and fear got lost in the general noise. I moved in closer to the light and music. The street lights had been dimmed and lanterns shone out in all trees. There were mini ghouls and witches everywhere and I wandered in a daze searching for my family.

I saw Jenny. I was sure it was her, the right hat. That’s when I saw him. A tough looking guy in jeans and leather, close and staring at my Jenny. I ducked through the crowd to get to jenny but missed her. The guy was craning his neck too and I headed straight for him. He looked familiar but before I could place him he saw me and ducked away. I followed at a half run scattering a mob of ghosts. I caught up to him when he ducked into a side yard. My gun was in my hand as I came round the corner, saw a glint of metal, fired and he was on the ground. I looked around and ran over. And that’s when I recognised him. Not the person, the corpse, the very position of the outstretched hands, the pattern of blood on his chest. I had killed this guy years ago, across town, and now he was lying here in front of me. I didn’t understand but I knew one thing, my family was in danger. I ran back on to the street, slowed myself and started scanning the crowed. I had to keep calm. I heard Jimmies laugh and I headed over, I saw the men first. There were two of them this time and I recognised them. Mob men. They were heading towards a common point. I lurched forward at a run, shouting, but fireworks were exploding up ahead and a cry from the crowd rang out. I spotted Jimmy in a group of kids but they were screaming and running around. I staggered along, drawing my gun, fuck these guys, I was going to have to kill them all again. I got one with the same shot I had used on him the first time, the second guy too, and they died the same way, and lay the same way, and I walked over them through the fireworks and followed Jimmy. But the closer I got to them the more the group of kids screamed and ran away from me till they were lost in the confusion.

I just wandered, seeing the faces of every one I had killed in the crowd. I tried to calculate the number of people I would have to kill again but my mind gave up. The last thunder of fireworks marked the end of the night. It had all gone so quickly and finally I heard Miriams voice calling the children together and I rushed towards her words.

“Time to go home.” she said as she gathered the children in a line, holding hands and began marching them away. Yes, more than anything I just wanted to go home. I wanted to grab Jimies little dangling hand but I held back, fearful that I would never be able to let go again.

I had to kill another seven people before I got them home safely. All single shots, every one harder than the last. My head was spinning by the time my own front door had slammed closed on me. I slumped down on the dark porch, my back to the door, my gun pointing out at the street between my knees. I watched the crowd disperse, the lights go out, listened to my house behind me quieten down. But the night was still alive with other voices that were now obvious in the stillness. Gruff threatening voices, sly cajoling voices, the voices of my past. Was I leading them here to my family? If I went in side, they’d be inside too. I’d never felt more afraid in all my life. Miriam was down stairs. I could hear her go out the back with Josh. I squeezed my eyes and shook my head. I was crazy with the pain that came out of the door, through my back and hung in my heart. This had to end. I had to face her, say goodbye and take the death and violence with me. I went round the house and came in the back door. Cheered by the softness of her voice as she soothed the baby.

“We’re all alone now Joshy. You’ve only got me now.” She said.

I stepped into the room facing her. Josh gave an emphatic jig and pointed. Her head swung round and her eyes met mine and looked right through me. I knew in that instant that I was dead. I heard the bullet coming from a long way away, from hours ago, catching up to me, speeding up, and coming straight out of her eyes. They looked through me, in and out and on in a vacant stare. I was invisible. A ghost. Dead.

She turned and hugged Josh to her.

“Daddy’s gone now.” I heard her say as she made for the stairs. Josh’s eyes stopped me from following, an accusation over her shoulder, his little finger still pointing at me, his eyes disappearing in a frown.

“Daddy?” he whimpered. Like I was playing a trick on him. I stood and watched them climb the stairs. By the time they were at the top they were both crying. I stood as the light went off and the house grew silent. I was dead. Had been since I took the bullet at the bank. I went out the back of the house, behind the shed and hunched down, drained hollow. Dead meant cold earth and I felt myself sink into it that night, as the temperature dropped. I could feel all my brothers drawn back into the earth with me, all my sins sinking into the cold as the neighbourhood descended into an uneasy silence.

I woke up and knew I was in heaven, even before I had opened my eyes. Buried in my own back yard. The sound of birds and children. My children. I lay listening. Miriam’s melodious voice led the laughter closer and they sat in the middle of the small yard in the sun. Miriam became serious and I could just follow her words.

“Now I have something very sad to tell you, so I want you all to be quiet while I talk Ok?”

“Sure mum.” A solemn chorus. My heart went out to her. She could put her spell over them and they would be angels. I could be at peace here, in this garden behind my house, and watch my children grow.

“It’s about Daddy. He won’t be coming home again, just listen a minute OK. Your daddy was a good daddy and he loved you, but he wasn’t an honest person all the time. A policeman came yesterday ...”

“Where’s dad?” It was jimmy. getting impatient with mum. I loved that kid so much.

“The policeman said your dad was robbing a bank and he got shot… and he died. I’m sorry kids ... I tried ...“

“Like in that movie we saw?” said Jenny. She would understand more. Our first. Oh Jenny. It can’t be true. I want to hug you one more time. My dead eyes opened. Green translucent leaves dappled golden light across my vision. But the earth had me and I couldn’t move. This wasn’t heavan this was hell.

“Yes, just like in the movies but this is real.” It all seemed so simple and final when Miriam said it. There was silence, and after a while the birds sang again, and we all listened.

“But mum. I think I saw daddy. Last night at the party. He was there, alive.” Jimmies small voice was a chill breeze that blew over me.

Jenny started wimpering. “I saw him too.” Her thin panicked voice pulled me up through the grass, stiff and cold but sitting up. I had scared my own children and yet they saw me.

Miriam was making soothing sounds.

“Halloween is special, remember we talked about this. It can be scary. We all see things when we’re scared.”

“He said he’d come. I saw him.” Jimmie loved a fight. I wanted to fight too. I’d been fighting all my life. I rocked forward on my hands. I could see them there in the sunshine before me.

Miriam’s hand was on Jimmy’s shoulder. “I’m not saying you didn’t see him. I believe you honey.” She had this way of stopping arguments but this time Jimmie wasn’t falling for it. His little voice was brave.

“He looked scary.”

“That’s because he was scared. He probably just wanted to say goodbye so much. But he’s not scared any more. I told you the scary stuff is all over now. Halloween is over. You have to say goodbye to Daddy too because you won’t be seeing him again.”

I wanted to shout out to Jimmy, and maybe he heard because he pulled away from Miriam’s hand. “I don’t want to say goodbye. I want him back now.”

The pull from Jimmie was so strong now. He wanted me so badly that I could feel him drawing my life back into me. I was balanced between the cold and the heat, caught between shadow and the light of life. But I didn’t belong out there on the lawn in the sun. Did I want my life that much? To scare this poor kid out of his wits just so I could still be with him. Could I live like the undead forever hoping for the chance to say everything I was desperate to say. I was a ghost he had to banish from his dreams.

Miriam’s voice was kind but firm. “The funeral is tomorrow and he will be in his casket and they’ll bury him in a grave.” Jenny didn’t like the sound of that and was crying harder. “We have to let daddy go. Say good bye so he can go to heaven.” Miriams voice was softer now with that sighing compassion that could sooth the biggest heartache. “You want daddy to go to heaven don’t you?”

I had been in heaven all along and never knew it. This was a last glimpse before I went straight to hell.

“Goodbye daddy. You can go know.” Jennies voice took on a melodious ring that sounded so much like Miriam, I thought it was her at first.

My cry was silent, like my gun had been in the bank, I was made of smoke.

“We can’t hold on to him any longer. You have to let him go.” said Miriam.

Jimmy sank against his mother and she rubbed his back in long strokes.

“Goodbye dad. You can go now. I love you.” I heard his words through his sobs. Miiam’s small body became a cradle for the crying children and she wept quietly over their heads.

No. I rocked forward, face in the light, feeling the rush of warmth.

Little Josh took that moment to make the most of his freedom and roll off the rug. He kept rolling and ended upright on his nappy facing me. His blonde hair was shining and alive in the wind.

Josh can still see me. My youngest. My baby boy. We locked eyes and his intense blue glare startled me. His little lips pursed as he cried out in his high voice.

“Daddy. GO!” Anger fired straight off his pink finger that pointed right into my shoulder.

I was rocked back by the force of his will, back into the shadow, back into the cold. The mournful crying took on a new pitch as Miriam gathered all the children together and the sound slowly died away as I sank beneath the dark earth.

I couldn’t keep away from the funeral. I waited till the family had left the house the next day and I rose up out of my grave and drift through the streets, through my suburb one last time, on the long walk to the cemetery. I was embarrassed that I had become such a cheap ghoul that haunted my family but I couldn’t help myself. Just because I was busy when I died and didn’t notice, didn’t mean that I wasn’t afraid of hell. I had resigned myself to being one of those bastards that clings on and make everyone’s life miserable.

I didn’t turn my back. I knew the darkness was just behind me. Hell ready to receive me. It started at the pain in my shoulder and went far back, further than I’d ever want to go. I’d seen it in my death dreams. I knew I deserved it but I still didn’t want to go. Maybe when I saw myself in the ground and the earth was dropped on my casket and the words were said, I could finally rest. Somehow I doubted it.

I arrived via the old section at the back of the cemetery and was surprised to find a large crowd of people there. I drifted closer through the trees and saw two caskets lined up. All heads were bowed as the minister droned on. I eased closer.

I got across from the main party and could see Miriam and the family. A gust of wind lifted her veil and she was gazing through a haze of sorrow at the world.

Her eyes drifted over as she raised her hand as if to wave, but her fingers caught the swath of black away from her face.

Miriam’s eyes stopped and looked into me, and this time she found something, something to focus on, and she held on to it for a long moment. Even gave me the little crinkled smile that only touched her mouth. In that moment I was brought back to life by her eyes. I took the first deep breath I’d taken in days. I was alive but Miriam had stopped smiling.

I knew the look that suddenly narrowed her eyes. Don’t even think about it. She said and I could hear her words as if she was hissing them in my ears.

I stepped back, now so aware of myself in the crowd. Fuck, What was I doing here at my own funeral? Did I have a death wish? Must have. I had killed my life but I was still living. One last look at my wife, my children. I turned my back and walked, and never looked back again, because behind me was heaven, and if I turned I would destroy it all.

I never found out who was in my grave, just one of those Police bungles. I didn’t care. That was the past and I had no past. I hot wired my uncles Portia at the funeral, picked up my bag on the way through home and took off into my future. I appreciate life a whole lot more now but my shoulder still hurts like hell some times. Sometimes I remember them and remember being dead, and if I am alone and there is a cold wind blowing, or if I get turned around in the dark and I’ve got a gun in my hand, I feel like I am trapped in Halloween and there is no tomorrow.