The Night Train

by William Bowden

Cold, dark, and clammy — just the way I like it. Well just the way I like it now of course. I spose I may as well tell ya how it happened, not that you’ll care much – you’re no doubt still trying to outwit them ain’tcha?

Really? Yeah well shuddup and listen my friend. You’re doomed along with the rest of ’em, and one more would-be hero ain’t gonna lift anyone’s spirits higher than this — the old shitter. Mankind is caput baby, wake up and smell the corpses.

You know the day. We all know the fuckin’ day, yeah well I’d been working back late see, and caught the last tube — like a rat in a fuckin’ trap, How was I to know — and there was no-one around to tell me either. Don’t know who was drivin’ the fuckin’ train, must’ve been on auto or something. Anyway I’m sitting there minding my own beeswax, kind of dozing when I hear a bit of a noise. So I opens me eyes and there’s one of the bastards crawling on the outside of the window. Cool as a cucumber if you like. I looks at him and he looks at me and then he starts grinning. I’m wide awake at this juncture and full of adrenalin if you know what I mean. One look into those ’orrible eyes and I know he wants me, and then those teeth — hideous, they weren’t human — even I knew that at the time. So I’m backing away thinking there’s no where to run and he starts smashing on the window like. I know the glass is pretty thick but he’s making cracks appear faster than a fuckin’ comedian. Christ it’s not as if I had a weapon is it? I just had me newspaper for fuck’s sake. By this stage I’m shitting meself, and I started running down the carriage, heading for the rear, just trying get some distance between me and that monster. In my heart I knew I was a goner though. Next station was Baker St, and even if I got off the platform anything that could climb on the outside of a movin’ train was going to have no trouble getting me in the tunnels up to the street.

So I’m halfway down the next carriage when I realise I’ve really fucked up. The only chance I’ve got is to get into the driver’s compartment — and that’s at the sodding front innit? So I turns meself around and end up where I was previous like. The bastard’s nearly through the glass; and as I runs past he lunges with his free arm, and grabs hold of me coat. I thought I’d bought the farm right then and there I can tell you, cause the fucker’s grip is like iron — and he’s got hold of me wrist and pulling me in. Next thing there’s an almighty smash and his headless corpse is swishing around in the wind. Some bloody pole or something had knocked his block off. Still took me ages to prize off his sodding hand, and of course then I noticed the head was starting to grow back. Christ talk about needin’ new underwear, know what I mean.

Anyway I scarpered up to the compartment and of course it was locked, but with me trainin’ and whatever, I’ve always got me skeleton key see. So I opens the door and shuts it quick smart, cause by now my little pal is in the train and looking nastier by the minute, head like a baby, mind of a nutter , and in need of some serious dental work if you get my meaning .

What’s that, no you can’t borrow my sodding skeleton keys, and shut-up anyway — I ain’t finished yet. So I get’s up there and there’s no sign of any driver, just little readout screen saying ‘Baker St’ stop or continue? So I figure I’ll keep going: if I get’s past Marylebone and Edgeware Rd, I can have a geeze at Paddington station and see what the fuck is going on. So I press continue on the screen.

Yeah of course there was a sodding radio, That was me next move, I grabbed it and started yelling for some ’elp. Of course there was no answer, but at that stage I just thought I was just dealing with one of em see. The bowel-cakes really hit the fan when we went past Edgeware Rd, real fuckin’ horror show. Corpses everywhere, and some of ’em trying to jump on the sodding train or standin’ on the tracks. Not to mention what looked like things crawling on the ceiling of the tunnel. I only got a glimpse though, before we was back in the tunnel proper.

By this stage I knew this was something out of the usual run of events. You know all sorts of things go through your mind in a situation like that. Was they zombies, vampires, some sort of biological weapon or aliens maybe? Well I knew was I never going to find out stuck going round in circles on the tube. Despite everything I had to get off somewhere and try me luck. Who knows, maybe things were better on the surface and these things didn’t like the light or something. I spose even then I felt that was a little ’opeful ...